Operation Get Tim a Man, GO!
by UnknownUnseenUnheard
Summary: Tim should have know better to get drunk. He should have definitely know better to get drunk with Jason, of all people. Now, Jason knows about Tim's longtime crush on Conner, annnnnd Tim has to deal with Jason's insistent 'get Tim a man' plots. One thing is for sure, though. Tim is never going near another drop of alcohol ever again


A/N: This is gonna be pretty short. I wouldn't expect it to go past 5 chapters

Baby Martha will be in this(and about 4 to 6 ish? Around that age range) 'cause I like the idea of Conner having a daughter. Lophi will not be in this, because I have absolutely no idea what to do with her since we know nothing about her. Admittedly, we don't know anything about Martha either, buttt she's a baby so that's dismissible.

**Extra Note: Transferring from Ao3 to here (hence the publication date being earlier :P)**

Anyways... On with the story

Published: 4/18/2019

Warnings: None

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Tim Drake and the Reason he Should Not Get Drunk With Jason**

Tim woke to the sound of pans smashing loudly against each other, blaring lights, and Jason's cackling laughter. Which, honestly, wasn't as surprising as it should have been given Jason's utter asshole nature.

Tim could be forgiven for falling off the couch.

"Up and at 'em, Timbits!" Jason bellowed.

"Would you shut the hell up?!" Tim snapped. Holy hell. His head hurt, everything was way too bright, and Jason was way too loud. It was too early for this shit.

Coffee. Tim needed coffee.

Admittedly, Tim could usually function on little to no sleep, but that was without the added factor of a hangover.

Wait…

Hangover?!

Tim, in the process of laying back down, shot up like a bat out of hell. Oh no. No, no, no, no.

He couldn't have possibly…

Jason was smirking at him, like a cat that had finally caught the canary.

Fuck.

Tim had really decided to get drunk, which in itself wasn't that bad.

(A voice which sounded mysteriously like Bruce started to yell in his head that it was never a good idea to willingly take anything that nulled his senses, but Tim ignored it.)

No. No, the bad bit was the part where he decided to get drunk… _With Jason._

"Here ya go, little Timbits." Jason shoved a water bottle into Tim's hands.

Despite Jason being an utter asshole Tim trusted the guy(which was kinda stupid considering how many times Jason had tried to kill him, but meh, what siblings didn't try and kill each other every once and a while?). So, without thinking too much about it, Tim chugged the concoction.

And choked.

"Oh god! What the hell is that?" Tim demanded, nearly spitting the liquid out. It tasted like vomit. Literal vomit. What in the hell?

"Mama Jaybird's special hangover recipe!" Jason said cheerfully.

When his headache magically went away(which didn't just happen no matter how good the hangover remedy was, period), Tim blinked before eying Jason suspiciously.

"Okay, fine, it's an Amazonian potion." Jason rolled his eyes. "Artemis left some, and, as you can see, it's useful."

Tim reluctantly had to agree. Rubbing at his eyes, Tim yawned.

"What in the hell happened last ni-"

Tim froze.

Because, it came back to him.

Bits and pieces, shimmering to the surface.

Him and Jason.

About a dozen bottles of booze.

Tim giggling like mad.

Then him sobering up a little, the giggles subsiding as Tim, even as a drunk, became more serious and solemn.

Then…

Tim went red.

Jason cackled.

"Jason Todd, don't you da-"

"Oh, Timbits, why did you never tell me you were hot for the clone? You're always so uptight, and now, we know just how to fix it and get you laid!"

Tim could be forgiven for flinging a pillow at his brother.

* * *

Jason was having a blast.

Convincing always-has-a-stick-up-his-ass Tim Drake to loosen up and get drunk had been no easy feat. Still, Jason had done it, and he finally had gotten proof!

Okay, so he'd pretty much figured it out(he was sure everyone but Bruce knew at this point, to be honest), but he hadn't had actual proof until last night!

(In the form of a recording. Which he could not even hint about while Tim was here, or he'd get his hands on it and destroy it quicker that Jason could complain about how he died unavenged again)

Little Timmy was head over heels for the clone boy. Which was really a no brainer, but finally, Jason had gotten a confession out of the little brat!

All it took was near alcohol poisoning to loosen his tongue, but meh.

Hands gripped Jason as Tim began to shake him.

"Jason. _Jason_. You can't- _No one can know." _Tim said, which was stupid, since Jason was pretty sure everyone knew and there was even a goddamn betting pool that Alfed, of all people, was managing, but Tim didn't need to know that. "No one. Especially not K- can't say his name, he might hear, but especially not him!" Tim shook Jason.

Jason arched an eyebrow before beating Tim's hands off him.

"What do you mean, he might hear? What, if I say his name three times in front of a mirror, he'll magically appear?" Jason asked sarcastically.

Tim, however, just glared.

"Maybe if you do, he won't! But, as far as I know, he doesn't keep a constant unconscious check on your heartbeat, Jay."

"The who does the what now?"

The clone tracked Timmy's heartbeat? That was some next level lovey dovey shit right there.

Jason had been a bit miffed when Tim had gone off and stolen the Red Robin mantel too like the little shit that he was. Still, Jason could admit, Tim totally deserved said title considering how red he could apparently turn.

"No- nothing." Tim stuttered. Tim never stuttered. "Just forget about it, please, Jason."

Jason scrunched his nose and pretended to think about it. Considering the glare he was receiving, it wasn't exactly working.

"No can do, little bro. We need to get you your man!" Jason fist pumped.

Tim stared at him like he'd gone mad. Ha. Joke was on Tim, Jason had been mad for years.

* * *

Tim gaped at his adoptive brother. He really couldn't help it.

"What- Jason, NO!" Tim snapped.

Jason frowned.

"Why not? What, will the clone think he's too good for my little brother?" Jason cracked his knuckles. Ah hell.

"What? No! I don't know- Jason, he's not even into guys, let it go!" Tim pleaded, because Tim had let it go a while ago.

Loving Conner was like loving a dream. It was something Tim would never be able to achieve, never be able to hold in the way he wanted to. It was like loving a star, something precious and distant.

Get too close, and you get burned.

Well, Tim was already burned, and he'd learned to deal with it.

Conner was his best friend, which was fine with Tim. He just had to… Move on.

Considering it had been a good five years since he figured out he was in love with Conner, that probably wasn't gonna happen, but Tim was nothing if not stubborn so-

"Oh, trust me, he's into guys." Jason scoffed.

Tim blinked.

It wasn't what Jason had said. No… No, it was more of the way Jason had said it. So completely and utterly sure, without an ounce of hesitation. As if he knew it for a fact, which was just impossible, unless…

"Jason…" Tim twitched slightly.

Jason's eyes widened like a deer in the headlights which, at any other time, would have been amusing as hell.

"What do you mean, 'he's into guys'?" Tim repeated.

Because, if Jason had already gone and talked to Conner about this while Tim had been unconscious, they'd have another death match. And, this time, Tim would be the one going for the goddamn kill.

"Jason PETER TODD-" Tim began.

"It was one time, alright!" Jason yelled, backing away slightly.

One… Time? The hell? Tim's confusion must have shown on his face, because Jason continued on.

"One thing kinda led to another, and it actually started with him yelling at me about being a dick to you, and then I really don't know how I ended up with my tongue down his throat, but I did, and that- er, look, I'm not suppose to talk about it! We agreed to just forget all about it!"

What?

Wait…

"YOU SLEPT WITH CONNER!"

Ah hell. Tim had yelled that out. There was no way Conner wouldn't have heard it.

* * *

Elsewhere, Conner head shot up as Tim's voice rang in his ears. It took a second for the words to register before Conner groaned, burying his face back into his pillow.

Jason had blabbed. Admittedly, it had taken Jason three years to blab, but he'd blabbed. Conner was never gonna hear the end of this.

Still, realizing Tim was not in any immediate danger, Conner stopped listening in, not wanting to violate his friends privacy.

That, and he was going to be mortified enough when Tim eventually confronted him about it.

* * *

Tim was still trying to wrap his mind around the new information even as Jason slowly came to the realization that Tim had not, in fact, figured out his deep dark secret.

JASON AND CONNER?

When?

Where?

Why?

What in the hell?

"One time!" Jason held up a single finger for emphasis. "Once! And, I kinda wasn't suppose to say anything since we both agreed to keep quiet so-"

"He probably already heard me." Tim shot back coolly.

Jason blanched a bit before shrugging. "Eh. Maybe he'll come and yell at me again."

Tim shot his brother a death glare.

Jason faltered.

"I mean- okay, forget the me and clone boy schmit, it only happened once, and it was a couple of years ago."

Tim huffed but decided to let it go. Then, another realization hit him.

"Wait, is that why he lets you babysit his kid?" Tim exclaimed, suddenly reminded of the very small group of people Conner trusted his daughter to.

"That? Hell no. I'm just good with kids," Jason shrugged and Tim stared at him incredulously. Jason looked offended. "What? Martha likes me and Lian calls me her second papa, I'm excellent with children!"

Oh right. Jason and Roy had that whole on-off thing.

Either way, Tim shook his head.

"Okay, look, Jay, it doesn't matter." Tim said. "If it happened, it happened. None of my business," except, he'd have to yell at Conner later for not telling him, but that was then. "Just please don't say anything to him about how I feel. It's clearly one sided, so I don't wanna muck things u- why are you looking at me like that?"

Indeed, Jason was shooting Tim an incredulous look.

"Tim, you are the stupidest smart person I know."

"Hey!"

"Have you seen the way clone boy looks at you? Whenever you walk in the room, he lights up like Christmas came early. And don't get me started on him apparently keeping track of your heartbeat." Jason eyed him pointedly.

Tim turned red. Fuck. Why couldn't he have been born with a darker skin tone? At least then, the blood rushing to his face wouldn't be so obvious and Jason wouldn't be cackling.

"No, no, Tim. We're gonna get you your man, but it's not the clone you gotta win over. That's done and done."

Tim's face scrunched. Because, what? If Conner was apparently so in love with him(and Tim doubted it, because there was no way he wouldn't have noticed), then who exactly did Tim need to win over?

"Leave it to you to crush on a single dad, Timbits." Jason continued, and Tim froze, because this could not be going where Tim thought it was going. Except it was, because Jason continued. "You wanna win your clone boy? You gotta win his daughter over first, 'cause regardless of how much he likes you, if that little girl doesn't like the idea of you with her daddy, he's gonna drop you like a hot coal in the fireplace."

Weird analogy, but whatever.

"And you know this from experience?" Tim knew he shouldn't be encouraging this since he knew it would lead nowhere, but, knowing Jason, he wouldn't let it go unless Tim at least pretended to go along with it for a bit.

Maybe if he did Jason wouldn't call on Dick. Dear gods, Tim would not survive if Jason brought in Dick on this. Not at all.

Jason smirked.

"Lian loves me."

Ah. True.

"So," Jason continued, "operation get Tim his man is now commenced, and first order of business is: win over his daughter to your side!"

Tim groaned and buried his face in his hands. Why him?

"Well, that, and we need to start you on exercises." Jason said.

Tim blinked up at him, lowering his hands.

"... exercises?"

Because Tim was pretty damn fit. You had to be, for this kind of job, so what was Jason on about now?

In answer, Jason held both of his hands in front of him about a foot apart. Tim just stared at him for several seconds before once more becoming beat red.

Oh god.

Oh god, this was _not_ a conversation Tim wanted to have with his brother, this was not how he'd wanted his morning to go, and Tim was never going near another drop of alcohol ever again.


End file.
